Hmmmmmm, can a girl get a drink?

So, this is for me, built in therapy I guess. Don't they all start like that, an outlet, a place to let it all out there. I've always wondered how I would react, what would I think, would I actually cry??? I really did not think I would cry and I did not (as predicted) but what I did not expect are all the emotions tied to the way I do not feel.



Very first reaction, kind of a little gasp (very little I might add but it caught my breath all the same) and then I waited...and waited for what seemed like an hour but in reality was literally seconds. Waited for my reaction, but it did not come, not then. Crazy as it sounds I just move on with the conversation, changed the subject even, finished the phone call and hung up. I thought hard that evening, my life starting to run in little video clips, what I knew of him when I knew him, what I thought I knew of him after she died and he left the state, my life as it was growing up, my siblings and how each of us dealt with the cards we were given at such young ages.



I really did not feel anything about the news as lets face it he was a stranger to say the least with no contact for 42 years. I do feel bad for not feeling anything, what kind of person has zero feelings or emotion when told something like that. Maybe I am the cold hearted bitch my sister thinks I am after all she was able to find him and create this wonderful relationship with him (pretty much one sided of course but she was ok with that as for her it was better than nothing) and she never understood my objections. Or maybe the experts are right after all, you lose a mother at a young age and then your father walks out/abandons you shortly there after to pursue his dreams (for the record he never did anything with his life) and it has a numbing affect on your heart. Or maybe it is the wall that never comes down because there is not much left of that heart so protect it at all costs (just ask my husband as I am sure he has plenty to say about that). I'll stick with cold hearted bitch as its easier to explain at this point.



I saw my sister today (she lives down here too) for a little while and she never mentioned the big white elephant sitting in the middle of room. She never mentioned that last week she flew home for the funeral (a county funeral because there was no money), I am sure she was upset and I am sure she made me out to be horrible to all her friends back at home but she never said a word. She probably guessed that I did not give a damn anyway. But after leaving her house I was in a really bad mood and I guess I have things to say to her about him but I know you should not talk bad of the dead. So I will just figure it out on my own.



So I feel bad for not feeling bad about his death, hmmmm, did not see that coming! Confused about this one, not sure how to handle this one at this time I guess. Maybe its hard to be that person, the one that feels nothing when her father dies, maybe? I have not even told my husband that he died, not sure what to say. Will he expect me to be upset? Will he be ashamed of me? He knows my story and how I feel but he might expect some reaction, something.

Perhaps there is a silver lining, maybe this is the beginning of finally letting it go, it may take a little time, it may take some thought, some writing but now seems to be a good time to start that journey, I hope!